French dream?

So it was all going so well and I should have known better.

The husband had a car crash which he still cannot explain as there were no other people or cars involved. This is in the car that he blew the majority of his pension not that long ago in real terms. And in other lovely car news, the insurance courtesy car is about the size of a baked bean tin and dripping oil like nobody’s business. This all happened over a month ago and we seem to be no further forward but what do I know about cars and insurance?

Then my oldest brother died, got alive again and died finally. That was obviously upsetting as although I did not see him often that is way different to knowing you will never see someone again.

Then we had to move to the supposedly permanent house although the way things are going today I can’t see me being here long which is a shame as I financed it, found it and the children love it. It is so surreal and idyllic but only when shared with people who like you methinks.

Years ago, I used to come to France with my parents and Mum used to love us to have Cointreau on the rocks. I wonder what she would think to me changing from Cointreau to marriage!

The husband says I criticise him too much and maybe I had too high a bar for a relationship as a husband who loves porn, joins dating sites and hates conversing with me was never on the wish list to be honest. And when I have raised these issues with women friends, the overwhelming view seems to be that this is perfectly OK and normal so maybe I am just existing on the wrong planet.

What is actually so wrong with a man and woman loving each other exclusively? I look at pictures of “friends” from school and college and it looks like some of them have that. What makes me not worth it?

And now I am 20 years down the line old and past it. Awesome!

If I had talked to Mum about this sort of stuff her next sentence would have started “No lass of mine …”.

But for me it is not that easy probably because on some level I need therapy to deal with issues emerging from my adoption. I have read up on this stuff and apparently adopted people fear rejection more than most, easily feel abandoned and are insecure feeling they are never worthy of love or good enough. Knowing all that intellectually is not the same as feeling it inside.

The positive at the moment is that work is going well and that at least gives me a degree of independence if I ever get strong enough to start making decisions for myself rather than trying to suit other people.

4 Comments

  1. Can I just say that I certainly don’t think you are wrong with thinking your husband is crossing lines that shouldn’t be crossed in a relationship. I hope you find the courage to put you, your hope and your dreams first xx

  2. I don’t know any women who would find it acceptable so i’m Shocked.
    Don’t give up your dream – you have wanted this for so long, have made many sacrifices and gone through so much to get there.

  3. I would love to meet the women who say it’s ok, to talk sense into them?! You need time out, to find yourself as a strong, independent woman. I was raised by a woman who left a bad marriage, them found out how awesome she is. Never looked at another man, because she’s better off alone, seeing the world and loving life x

  4. I think you have a good grasp on what a marriage is supposed to look like and those other women are deluding themselves. I wish you the financial independence and the courage to do what is right for you. Or at least to take some time out to explore the alternatives if you can do that without burning your bridges. (I don’t know if that’s possible). Good luck with everything. xxx

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